Archive for ‘Uncategorized’

March 17, 2014

Husbands, learn to say “Yes Honey” and renew the romance in your relationship

Contributed by Alicia La Hoz, PsyD

YESHONEYOne of the recurring complaints that I hear from men about their wives is that they nag them to the point where they feel like they’re one of the kids.

If you’re a husband, have you ever asked yourself why it is that your wife asks you to do the same thing over and over again? Nagging you constantly until you comply with her request? Usually when a woman repeats herself over and over again, it’s because she feels like she’s not being heard. And when a woman feels like she’s not being listened to, she feels ignored. Your silence and what she perceives as a lack of action can produce frustration within her. Before this anxiety and frustration kick in, she will try to plead, demand, repeat and nag her request repeatedly. However, this nagging results in being counter productive because it will only lead husbands to become more distant as they will feel disrespected. This redundant cycle is one of marriage’s biggest enemy, as well as a serious buzz kill for romance. As one individual pleads, the other ignores. And the more the one ignores, the more demanding and unbearable the other one becomes.

So, how do you break this cycle? Husbands, learn to say, “yes honey”. When husbands do things out of their own initiative, wives feel supported. When a father gets home from work, plays with his kids and makes sure their homework is complete, this endears his wife. When a husband takes out the trash on a regular basis without being reminded, this endears his wife. When a husband takes on the responsibility to make sure that bills are being paid on time, this endears his wife.

Your wife will feel loved when you – man, father and husband – take the initiative to share the responsibilities of the home. In so doing, you will show your wife that she is loved. And when she feels loved, you will feel loved. Anxiety and frustration will be replaced with peace and happiness, and in turn you will receive sweet words and tender loving care. Redefine your actions; be generous with your time and with your words.

Say, “yes honey” and endear your wife over and over again.

February 6, 2014

Perfect For Me

Contributed by Josie Cardona

couple_laughingThis story happened many years ago:

We had been married for a year, after dating for 2 years. Like all newlyweds, we were going through a period of adjustment. We didn’t argue constantly but we did have a few differences and it was difficult to understand each other. Once I became annoyed, I would carry that frustration for a few days. Even though I didn’t like feeling this way, I didn’t want to make up too easily-I wanted to make him feel guilty.

One Saturday morning we had gone shopping because we had a commitment in the evening. Excited and happy, we arrived home and began to get ready; me with my new dress, I was six months pregnant, and him with his coat and tie. Just as we were about to leave I noticed the light in the kitchen ceiling was still on. I took a few steps to turn it off when my husband stopped me. “No, my love, I’ll do it,” he said as he gently pushed me out of the way, adjusted the knot on his tie and went to solve the problem. Before I continue, let me remind you that this happened many years ago. The kitchen light had a cord you needed to pull, there were no switches on the wall. When he pulled the cord, the lampshade came loose and fell on his head. I started laughing immediately after hearing his “ay” and watching him rubbing his head. I wanted to tell him to be still as the shade had shattered and there was glass all over the floor but I couldn’t because I was laughing so hard…until he turned towards me. I froze! The blood was running down his face all over his clothes and he was swaying from side to side. I started trembling and running around in circles like crazy not knowing what to do. A thousand thoughts went through my mind. ‘It could have been me. My baby!  Oh, God, what should I do? Where’s the phone? Will the ambulance get here in time? He’s got to be alright!’  I ran towards him to see how I could help. I ran to get a towel to see how I could stop the bleeding. He grabbed the towel from me and began to wipe his head and face. When he was done wiping his face we noticed that, thank God, it was nothing serious, just a few scratches from the glass as the shade had shattered on his head. But what a fright!!!

We didn’t get to go to our commitment. If I remember correctly, after cleaning up all the mess, we spent the evening laughing at the unexpected event. Reflecting back, I think that after seeing him injured, my heart had stopped, believing that it was something serious. I realized how tender he would always be with me; how he would take care of me; how he worried about me; how he would protect me. You know what? After this, I don’t think that we had silly little spats. There were times when we would argue about insignificant, petty little things. But I saw how valuable life is and to have someone that loves you and takes care of you the way he cared for me. I saw the wonderful and positive in him rather than seeing his faults. Today, 37 years later, he still has faults, but how nice it feels to have him close to me, taking care of me, protecting me and loving me-in spite of my own faults. He’s perfect for me!

Many times we are so disoriented that we have to get bumped on the head to see what we have right in front of us. But then it all depends on how we receive and react to these bumps. Through life’s bumps we learn to value what we have. Let’s not focus on our spouses’ faults or negative points.  This impedes growth in the relationship. Don’t waste your time in petty little things and take advantage of all that you can share together. Consider the love you have for each other, the tenderness, the delicate moments, the care, attention, security, and the value of your commitment. That is a champion marriage. That is everlasting love in a relationship.

May 29, 2011

Todo Lo Que Aprendo de Mis Hijos Sobre el Matrimonio

por la Dra. Alicia La Hoz 

Romancecover4-1“Mami, ¿Está papi enojado?  ¿Tú estás triste? ¿Dónde está papi?  Yo no estoy feliz.”  Imagínese un niño pre-escolar tratando de encontrar sentido a las peleas de sus padres, las cuales interrumpen su mundo de juego donde la imaginación inunda sus días y donde la seguridad emocional le da la confianza para aprender y así crecer en su desarrollo físico, intelectual y social.

Mientras que un adulto ha desarrollado, a través de las experiencias de la vida, una capacidad de sobrellevar las indiferencias y dificultades que se le presentan, un niño experimenta todo a través de todos sus sentidos, a todo volumen.  Solo observe a un niño comer su helado favorito, o corretear a su hermano(a) en el pasillo de la casa, o pisar el césped de un parque.  Cada experiencia la disfruta en toda su plenitud con admiración y un gozo inocente absorbiendo todo como una esponja.  Aunque un adulto también puede disfrutar de su helado favorito, nunca se podría comparar a la felicidad completa que tanto nos contagia cuando le ofrecemos lo mismo a un niño. La verdad es que los niños experimentan todo de manera aguda – no han desarrollado paredes altas de protección donde fácilmente toleran, olvidan, niegan o reprimen las experiencias negativas que reciben.

Por lo tanto para un niño, una pelea entre mamá y papá puede tomar dos caminos.  Si esta pelea es una de varias que ocurren  día a día, si esta pelea carece de  una resolución positiva, si esta pelea es fría, calculadora, llena de insultos –el niño no solo aprende a expresarse de igual manera cuando él se siente enojado sobre algo que no puede obtener, pero también siente cada insulto, cada grito como un golpe a su corazón.  Su mundo se rompe en mil pedazos.   En vez de sentirse completo, que todo tiene orden y control, se siente sobre abrumado, desconcertado, confundido y lastimado.  Lo triste es que estas emociones pocas veces son reconocidas y expresadas para que estas no lo continúen sofocando, ya que  los padres andan muy preocupados tratando de organizar sus propios sentimientos sobre lo ocurrido.  Los padres automáticamente asumen que el asunto se trata de ellos por lo cual la pelea solo se trata de ellos olvidándose así de los efectos que éstas tienen sobre sus hijos..

El segundo camino es donde los padres, aunque pelean  y argumentan (algo normal y común en todas las relaciones humanas), llegan a perdonarse. A reconocer que cada uno tiene su propia inclinación y opinión personal sobre el tema pero aun así se toman el tiempo de discutir estas diferencias manteniendo el respeto mutuo.  Este camino es también donde los padres reconocen que sus hijos fueron testigos de su discordia y que ellos también necesitan sanarse de dicha experiencia.  Este niño entenderá entonces en su interior que el conflicto ocurre, que las peleas vienen y que estas tienen la capacidad de hacernos crecer, de traer sanidad, de ayudarnos a valorarnos aún más el uno al otro.

En su próximo argumento, piense en su hijo.  Tome el tiempo de intentar  ver el argumento a través de  sus ojos.  No cierre su corazón por completo y tome la iniciativa de perdonar, de ser respetuoso con su esposa(o), de no rendirse y de  hablar sobre las diferencias que puedan tener reconociendo la opinión de cada uno.  Entienda que sus decisiones y accionessí tienen un impacto en la vida de sus hijos.  Cambie, no solo porque esto le brinda felicidad a usted y a su esposo(a), pero cambie también para que su hijo experimente un hogar de armonía donde pueda crecer con toda libertad disfrutando su mundo imaginario sin interrupción de la amargura que viene con las peleas y argumentos que sin fin plagan a muchos hogares.

Para más recursos, baje el programa El Amor Tenaz por medio del app gloo para entender como perdonar a su esposo(a).Haga click  aqui para bajar éste programa..

También puede encontrar más consejos como éste por medio del manual para parejas, Romance Perpetuo, el cual puede ordenar en nuestra página de red:  http://familybridgeschicago.org/shop/

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June 9, 2010

Husbands and Dads, Loving and Loved

Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD

I was so angry at him this morning, after our senseless spurt of fighting at 8 am. We both leave for work stewing over our prideful sense of self righteousness, without releasing any words of apology. I, being right of course, solemnly promise myself to carry my bellyache forever, if needed, but not apologize first.  During my drive to work, I can’t help but conduct in my head an amateur ping pong match of the two opposing teams: his good versus bad points.

Wham! His good quality number one: very funny. He makes me laugh at things, at myself, and at him.  He has that amazing ability to take himself seriously but does not impose this attitude on others.

Boom! His bad quality number one: super laid back. He can switch off his brain and tune out all of the short and long term worries that permanently reside in my mind. He can just lose himself in the cushiony softness of his favorite chair, stretch out his long legs, and listen to music or watch sports. Meanwhile, droppings of the recently removed clothing articles are collapsed on the floor, shaped like little ready to erupt volcanoes. I usually pick them up, preventing spilling of lava, which of course would stem from my fury, not from a wrinkled pair of jeans on the floor. Parents of young children, we live in a permanent state of clutter. It triumphantly stares at us from all of the corners of our house. Actually, it mainly stares and winks at me, since I am the most likely person in the house to make eye contact with it. How can he just be sitting there like a Zen Buddhist? Maybe I am just jealous.

Racket swings back. His good quality number two: loves me and thinks I am cute and smart. He picks the oddest times to tell me these nice things. He’d comment on my looks when I am still wearing my pajamas in the morning and have pillow traces on my face. Or he tells me that I am smart, knowing darn well my deadly flaw of often missing out on the crucial plot parts in a movie, so that he has to re-explain the whole story. Or he forgives the fact that I am directionally challenged. In the 10 years of our marriage, he is the one to sort out maps, deal with furniture or toy assembly instructions, and handle numbers and other nasty perks of “adult paperwork.” Personally, I find these traits of mine annoying, not charming. But he does not. Clearly, a major swing in his favor.

Bang! His bad quality number two: postpones dealing with problems until they glare right at him. Or until I glare right in his eyes, stating the problems, raising the questions, and facilitating some crisis resolution plan. I guess it’s related to him being laid back. So, I don’t know if it counts as a separate point. Maybe I have to come up with something else, quickly, or the match swings in his favor, and I have to concede and apologize first.

However, instead of a quick comeback, another major observation streams into my consciousness, and ultimately makes me lose the match: he is a great dad. My kids follow him like little ducklings. Together, they make up their own “knock knock” and other silly jokes and laugh hysterically at their dumb inventions. They also have their informal “members only” Peanut Butter/Jelly and Grilled Cheese sandwich club. Their sandwiches are made according to some specific “patented” method that makes it taste just right. I don’t know the method and could never nail the science of PBJ or grilled sandwich making. Consequently, I am mostly allowed to observe and have a bite. Many little, simple, and silly daily things. They make each other happy. In return, it makes me happy too: eavesdropping on their jokes, watching them play games, the rules of which I don’t understand, and getting over the existence of some “manly” secrets in my household, to which I am not privy. Great dad: a major point in his favor.

My ride is over. I almost miss my turn, busily summarizing the match final count and getting over being a loser. At the same time, I am drained of my fury. I no longer care to be a winner. Deep in my heart, I know that even if he were to lose at my ping pong battle, I would still keep him, and pick him all over again, despite his bad points and because of his bad points. Happy Father’s Day to him, and to all other imperfect guys out there, loving and loved.

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