Archive for ‘Parenting’

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May 16, 2011

Raising Confident Children

Contributed by Brittany Mershon, MA

One of the questions I am frequently asked as a therapist is, “How can I help my child to be more confident?”  Confidence is a multifaceted concept to address. First, confidence is not a feeling, it’s a commitment. Confidence is not the absence of fear, but rather a commitment to seeing a decision through in spite of fear. Raising confident children can be a challenge, but it’s not impossible. Here is a list of tips to help you through the process:

  1. Model Confidence. Children mimic behavior they observe from those around them, especially their parents. Parents who show confidence, even in the face of fear, will help their children learn to do the same.
  2. Embrace Failures. It sounds counter-intuitive, but children who fear failure are more likely to fail. Children and adults alike who are successful learn to overcome failure early in life. They learn that fearing failure causes one to act more cautiously and fear taking risks that might cause unsuccessful results. Celebrating their best effort and modeling mistakes can be learning experiences that will help confidence to grow.
  3. Embrace Success. Fear of success is a common fear that can cause children to focus on the negative aspects of doing well. Success could mean more responsibility or increased expectations. It is important to share with children the benefits of success.
  4. Embrace Change. Many children are creatures of habit. Much like many adults, the threat of change can be intimidating. Even if the ‘change’ is positive, children often fear the unknown. Seek to understand what it is that is ultimately holding your child back from embracing change, and then work to help them overcome or work around it.

Posted in Children, Parenting | Leave a Comment »

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March 29, 2011

The Role of Parents Raising Teenage Children: When to Hold on and When to Let Go

Contributed by Jeremy Moeggenberg, MA

As a therapist working with many adolescents, I have seen the spectrum of problems that families can run across when roles are not well defined.  Many of the adolescents that I see are having problems at school and/or at home, are having issues related to drug or alcohol use, or their parents feel that they can no longer “control” them as they mature into young adults.  Many parents wait until the problems facing their family are so dire that they are ready to throw their hands in the air and give up.  The most common set of instructions I get from parents is to “find out what is going on with my child and fix it”.

The most common problem I have seen is parent’s confusion as to what roles they should play during adolescence. Some parents feel like adolescence is a time to reign in their child and protect them from the dangers of sex, alcohol and violence.  These parents typically take an authoritarian role in the lives of their children, setting at times unfair or unrealistic boundaries and working under the idea that, at this age, children need a parent and not a friend.  The downfall with this approach is that it assumes that parents can always protect their children from life and, if they can keep them in this protective cocoon for long enough, their children will eventually come out the better for it.  Like all individuals, however, adolescents must learn not only from the knowledge of their elders but also through their own mistakes.

I have also seen the complete opposite, where parents take a completely hands-off approach to parenting and begin to see their adolescent children as friends.  I can recall a myriad of stories about parents who would let their children drink if they did so safely at home, or who would extend a curfew provided that their children maintained passing grades at school.  In short, these parents did not set boundaries because they wanted their children to like them  – they often confused the idea of being liked by their children and being respected by their children. 

A few months back, one of my mentors gave me the best description of the role of a parent during the adolescent years.  Being the father of teenagers himself, he explained that he felt the role of a parent during a child’s teenage years should be somewhere between parent and advisor.  The idea is that children would have limits on their behaviors, such as curfews and check-ins; would attend family functions, such as family meals and activities on occasion; but would also feel safe to run ideas past their parents on advice on life.  After all, isn’t part of adolescence learning to think for oneself and growing into an individual while doing so in the safety of a secure environment? 

I’ve found that teenagers raised by authoritarian parents will often rebel and do what they please, or will enter into a state of learned helplessness where they just stop trying to make choices for themselves.  These are also those who will still explore their own individuality, just later down the road at college or on their own when their parents are far behind them.  On the opposite side of the coin, the teenage children of permissive parents will tend to make choices that they are not completely informed of or ready for.  These teens may experiment sexually, with substances or make other poor choices for their age range.  They will also most likely be the teens that will throw out the dreaded “I hate you!” and not respond when their parents finally do try to set down limits. 

The best analogy that I have heard regarding parenting is as follows: when children reach their early to mid teenage years they effectively “fire” their parents and begin to explore their own individuality.  If parents are able to watch over their children and allow them to fail at times when it is not going to result in catastrophic consequences their teenagers will bring them back as advisors and accept feedback and suggestions while still making their own choices.  The role of teens in this scenario is to seek their own identity and create their own value system.  The role of parents would be to still set limits but to more carefully choose their battles forming hard lines against activities or choices that could be dangerous for their teens while still allowing their adolescent to make choices on more minor items at first and building more trust and freedom as they make better decisions and grow older.  Teenagers, like almost all adults that I have encountered, are better at accepting advice than orders. 

The overall goal of adolescence is for teenagers to find their own personal identities and values.  While this is difficult for many parents to handle it is a necessary part of growing up.  By choosing battles and acting as advisors, parents have the ability to shape the path their teens follow but not control it completely.  The end goal of adolescence is to form an individual who shares the standards and principals of their parents, but who is not an exact clone either.

Posted in Adolescence, Parenting | Leave a Comment »

September 24, 2010

Three is a crowd

Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD

When is your family complete? How many children is enough?

“Three is a crowd,” my husband told me when I shyly brought up the question, whether we should have more children. Maybe it was the complicated nature of the question or just the wrong timing (dinner), but we managed to get into a long discussion that culminated into an argument. An hour overdue, banana bread in the oven interrupted us with its burnt smell.

I don’t even know if I want to have more children, but I have been plagued by the question the last few months. We have two. They are at the age where I can forget about buying mountains of diapers, carrying ten pounds of baby paraphernalia anywhere I go and performing the never ending gymnastics of helping my kids with every move they make. I am finally becoming just a tad more relaxed, re-learning the joy of adult company, uninterrupted conversation and eating meals using both of my hands. After years of being home bound, we’ve taken some fun trips and vacations. It’s a slow transition from complete chaos toward some Zen moments. I don’t know what prompts me to revisit the idea of procreating some more, volunteering for another few years of a ten fold increase in stress. Is it my genuine desire to have more kids or succumbing to the pressure of the much discussed in the media factor of declining female fertility, that after a certain point, makes family expansion an urgent, “now or never” kind of an issue?

My husband, a logical and practical person, appears to have an intact memory of what it was like dealing with pregnancy, midnight feedings and diaper changes. He has reminded me of the sleepless nights, drawers full of diapers and formula, no vacations, and other paybacks for having small children. “Do you remember how unaccompanied trips to Target were like a vacation, the only way to get a break and some quiet time?” he said, desperately trying to retrieve my memory and penetrate some reality below the surface of my brain. I’ve appeared to use mostly the left side of my brain, talking of the sweet baby smell and the warm feeling of snuggling with a tiny body.

What is it about moms that seems to wipe out most of the pains we go through during pregnancy and baby time, wanting to do it again? Why do we often consider another round as soon as a child is out of diapers? Maybe it’s the biology or the social pressure that defines what moms ought to have and to be, implanting in our brains the notion of that statistical average of having 2+ kids, a house in the suburbs and becoming a soccer mom and a wonderwoman.

We talked about our dilemma some more the following day, reaching the decision to get rid of the countless neatly labeled boxes full of baby clothes and toys. They are going to be re-used by other families, not us. My husband said that he wants to spend his time and energy raising our already existing children, giving them our undivided attention and resources. He is heavily vested in spending time with them: feeding, playing, teaching, driving around and dealing with their insomnia and sick moments. Thus, he deserves to be heard. It was the decision that made sense to us, right for our family. How did you make yours, knowing when your family is complete?

Posted in Family, Parenting | 3 Comments »

August 3, 2010

Little Man, Big Love

Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD

“I love you,” I told him in a soft whisper, as he was closing his big blue eyes, ready to immerse in his night slumber. “Of course you do!” he responded, sparing the words, but giving a confident glance that was followed by a release of a hearty yawn. With no further ado, he was asleep.

So many times that year I’d tell him over and over how much in love with him I was, with a desperate hope for a reciprocated gesture. At best, he’d acknowledge my exasperated feelings by a glance, squint, or a quick smile. Meanwhile, I was finding myself falling deeper for him. I’d stare at his face as he was asleep, caress his hair, and hold his hand.

Trapped for months in the bittersweet feeling of unrequited love, I was getting desperate and began succumbing into bribery. I’d buy him gifts. Many, anything he’d want, or I’d think he’d like. Like a sugar rush, getting gifts gave him quick joy and satisfaction. He’d show his appreciation for the object, grab it, and scurry away. Sometimes he’d mutter something resembling “I like it.” Not quite the confession I was shooting for. I’d try to smuggle a quick hug, but he’d feel smothered and bored in an instance. He was squirmy, busy, and not a master of words. He’d rush away to avoid further confessions and tenderness demands. I was learning simple lessons: bribery does not work for getting more liked and loved.  

I did not know he was so dangerously addictive when we met. He was not even my type: short and bold, with strong dependency needs, and frequent nasty tempter outbursts. He came with no instruction manual. I could never figure out the location of the buttons that turn off foul moods and switch on sunny disposition. It was random and exasperating.   

At first I loved him in some worrisome way. I wanted to make sure he was safe and protected. He needed me like a flower needs soil and water.  Later that worrisome feeling only had grown into something stronger and ever present. I was dreaming about seeing his face again when apart for even the shortest time and wanting to do anything to make him smile.

Somebody should have warned me that once I held him, I’d get attached forever. There will be no way to let go ever, in space or time. Creatures of his kind are both dangerous and irresistible. They storm into your life with short warning, marking their arrival with a loud scream. They take all of your time, space, and energy with a never ending trail of needs. They want, take, and request some more. The power of their dependency on you is addictive. You can’t help but stare at and admire breathless their bold headed, toothless, pudgy beauty.  They conquer you by nothing but their sheer cuteness and raw emotion. By some strange rule of reverse psychology, instead of running away in self preservation, you just fall deeper for their crude charm.

One sunny summer day, I took him for a walk. I stumbled upon a boulder and released a loud “ouch” scream. He got scared, ran to me, bending over and kissing the tip of my dusty shoe, trying to make my “boo-boo” go away. He held me and told me that he loves me. First time of many times. He was about to turn two, starting to speak sentences.

It was heartwarming and felt even better than I’ve imagined. At the same time, after the long months of exasperating and anxious waiting to be told, I was less desperate to make anything related to him about me. The egocentric need for praise and acknowledgement of my prior childless self had evolved and blossomed into something that perhaps defines parental love: desiring to give more of and better parts of myself, wanting nothing in return. I just wanted to hold his hand, finding solace looking into his wide, open eyes that immerse my whole world.

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May 11, 2010

A myth of moms who “have it all”

Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD

Two weeks ago I received a call from a local newspaper. After a brief introduction, the reporter named Jane said, “I am thinking about writing a story about professional working women who are good at multi-tasking their family and work lives.” Cheerful and enthusiastic, perhaps in her twenties, Jane added, “You see, I want to talk to someone who has it all: family and career, and write something motivational for young women desiring both of these things. Are you willing to share your secret with other women?” Jane explained that she has heard me presenting at a local speaking engagement on issues of marriage and parenting, while also learning that I am a psychologist working full time and raising two preschoolers.

As I was listening to her enthusiastic introduction sprinkled with compliments of my ability to multitask, I was looking out of my office window through the fuzzy fog of my outgrown bangs that began covering my eyes and looked more unkempt than casual trendy. “Gee, I must get a haircut,” the thought ran through my mind. I began thinking that it will take a few days to make the appointment and another two to three weeks to get there. My distraction was ended abruptly by hearing Jane ask to meet for an interview to get my “expert” opinion on how women “can have it all.” I promised to call her back next day to give an answer.

I’ve noticed that while I was talking, I’ve received several new voicemails and emails. I began sorting out these new “arrivals” immediately, because in ten minutes I had to see a patient. Then, I have to immediately leave the office to make it on time to pick up my children from childcare. No matter how hard I try to be there early, they seem to be always the last ones to get picked up.

I’ve decided to think about the interview later. First, I finish my work day, pick up my kids, and drive back home in a rush hour, persevering my hour commute on an always congested road animated by a never ending fight between two toddlers who refuse to get along and express their frustration by screaming and banging their little feet against my driver seat. I come home, change their clothes and wash their busy little hands, cook and serve them food, and mediate a couple of loud disagreements before they refuge to bed for the night. This typical evening routine of mine occasionally gets diversified by such additions, as stopping for groceries, home supplies, or diapers. Or cooking an “adult” meal when my husband and I are sick of eating frozen food and children’s leftovers. Or doing a few loads of laundry and other things of this nature.

So, I will think about my secret of “having and managing it all” at about 10 p.m., when it’s finally “my time”: read other than kids’ books, watch other than children’s TV programming, and talk to my husband uninterrupted. When in bed that evening, my thoughts returned to meeting with Jane and answering her questions. What would I say about being a full time working mom? I could give some “smart” answers or I could simply admit that it is far from perfect. Being a mom is much harder than I could ever imagine. It is a lot about living in a survival mode, working hard, trying your best and making lots of mistakes along the way.

“Wow,” I thought to myself, “It is not a very inspirational beginning of a motivational story for other women about “having it all.” Jane, my imagined girl in her early twenties with neatly manicured bright pink nails, well styled hair, wearing a tasteful “Banana Republic” outfit, might get scared by my narrative. She might decide not to breed at all and advice others against it. I imagined Jane’s face expression change from the curiosity and anticipation of an exciting story with good advice into expression of pity. My story, saturated with sense of stress and chronic fatigue, is far from inspirational. I don’t know much about “having it all” but have learned some basics of coping with many demands and stressors of a very busy and never ending day of a working mom. A job that is very demanding, far from glamorous, and the one in which, I believe, no one gets qualified as an expert.

I called Jane next morning declining the interview. “Due to my busy schedule,” I tell her. “Due to my relative ignorance in the subject matter,” I say to myself. I know now that I certainly don’t know much about “having it all.” I feel a sense of achievement and pride building a carrier that I truly enjoy and having a family that I love.  It gives me countless emotional rewards. But synchronizing these things is hard. Most of my exercise these days comes from biting my nails and distressing strategy from biting on a bar of chocolate. I have attained many things and circumstances that I’ve dreamed about in my teen and early twenties but they did not come with a dreamlike feeling I had once.

I am familiar, however, with moments when I feel like I “have it all.” These are spontaneous, transient times filled with sense of joy, happiness, pride, or just with some calm and peace. It’s when I am watching my boys give each other hugs or laugh uncontrollably. When I am surprised by new things that they’ve learned. Or when I stop for a moment to admire my husband’s ability to apply a firm yet gentle touch of discipline to help when I lose my cool. I get stunned every time when I notice a new growth spurt: my little boys getting taller, leaner, losing their baby features, and turning into little men.  I like also watching their little heads from the back, as they walk in front of me when we are out for a walk, with a little clouds of golden spiky hair and walk together holding hands. These are the moments when I feel like have it all, no quotation marks.

Being a mom is experience that can only be felt and lived, not described or imagined. My admiration and prayers go this mother’s day to all moms out there, who perhaps like me, not the experts, but are good enough handling their busy and imperfect lives. They get up every day like brave soldiers to face and handle never ending business of their days, aimed to give their best to their families. The wonderful, brave, busy women who desperately try to “have it all,” and fail sometimes, and try again. I wish them to better learn to accept “good enough” and be kind to themselves. Happy Mother’s Day and bless the path of all moms continuing to persevere in figuring out how “to balance it all” and give their best to the people they love most.

Posted in Parenting | 4 Comments »

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April 14, 2010

All About Dad

Children and adolescents are the ones who bare the brunt of unhealthy marital relationships. Fathers, in particular, who are in supportive relationships tend to be more sensitive and attentive and less hostile and negative with their children. (Click here to see Responsible Father Spotlike Facts).

While at one time or another you may parent an adolescent who slams the door at you and screams with passion “I hate you” when you enforce a rule or deny them a privilige, if this is not a one-time occurrance but a sentiment that is felt on a continual basis, it may be worthwhile to explore how the father-mother relationship is faring. If you feel isolated from your children and can’t seem to connect with them, don’t just assume that it’s an adolescent hormonal stage, evaluate your marital relationship. Children and adolescents have an uncanny ability to pick up on parents’ distress and may resort to assuming passive aggressive attitudes and acting out behaviors that can test your patience and all of your established boundaries. They feel the tension in the home and this spills over to their school work, social relationships and coping skills. 

It’s interesting from the statistics noted that it’s not only adolescents and children that may feel like responding in a rebellious way, but fathers as well. When fathers do not feel connected with their partners, the tendency is for them to pull away from their children. So now you have fathers who alienate themselves from their children and children who respond aggressively and in negative ways.  Why do you think that fathers do this? That when their marital relationships suffer – commonly they also pull away from their children’s lives? Why is that even though, children are not at fault, they are the ones that pay the penalty for unhealthy marital relationships? Whatever the reasons, what we do know is that fathers who have healthy relationships are more responsive to their children. This is a HUGE reason for why we need to invest in healthy relationships – ultimately we are investing in the lives of our children.

Posted in Parenting, Relationships | Leave a Comment »

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February 23, 2010

And the beat goes on…

Contributed by: Andrew Lyke, Arusi Network

I’ve been a father for almost 28 years. Entering into fatherhood was perhaps the most stabilizing event in my adulthood. Prior to becoming a father I was married to someone I adored and enjoyed being with. But there remained in me a nagging sense that there is something more out there for me. The prospects for me remaining married were good for the short run. Yet, “forever” seemed too much for me to grasp. I could promise Terri tomorrow, next week and maybe next year. But I really couldn’t promise forever.

After about five years our daughter entered our life and changed just about everything. It’s not an outlandish notion that we raise our children into adulthood. However, the truth is that our children raise us into adulthood. I wasn’t grown – not really – until I became a father. After cutting the umbilical cord I took her in my arms and bathed her. She then opened her eyes for the first time and seemed to look deeply into my soul. And my whole life at that moment became anchored. It was the most stabilizing moment of my life – a moment that resolved in me so much of what I would do and what I would not do in my life. It was in that moment that I became. It was a defining moment that shaped and directed me. From that moment I knew who I wanted to be and with whom I would live my life. All lingering doubts about Terri and me receded, if not vanished. For I knew that the greatest gift I will ever give my daughter is to love her mother and anchor our family with a healthy marriage.

Now in the empty nest stage of family life, we are bracing ourselves for grandparenthood. Our son and his wife will give birth to a baby girl in early March. I marvel at my son’s enthusiasm and revel in his precipitous maturation as a husband and soon-to-be father. Like it did for me, fatherhood is raising him into adulthood. Perhaps the baby girl he will hold in his arms in a few weeks will give him the anchoring that fatherhood gave me. And the beat goes on.

Posted in Parenting | 4 Comments »

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