Family Bridges

Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD

It’s been a while since they have agreed on anything. They still loved each other and wanted to figure it out. All they needed was a good conversation. In search of a connecting dialogue, they’ve come to a marriage counselor. Unfortunately, their initial therapy session ended up as a triumph of assumptions and accusations. So much was said in that hour that the distance between them felt unsurmountable. It was a tragedy of total misunderstanding and disconnect.

She was talking with agitation and intensity as if she had some invisible “keep going” sign in front of her. Words were fast and sharp. Sentences poured out and linked into paragraphs without intermissions. One could sense despair, frustration and pain. However, with the air in the room boiled by fury, her spouse could not connect, feeling spooked and terrified. She was shouting, reminding him about every way she had been wronged and failed by him. As if living in such agonizing circumstances was not bad enough, she was adding to their mutual pain by reliving each moment of his perceived transgressions in high volume and with screeching pitch. Her narrative was filled with acute judgement and accusations. Her mood, dark and powerful as a tornado, spread its dangerous swirls around him. All he could do was freeze and silently pray for safety.

Finally, she was drained of her anger. There was a brief pause in her intense monologue. He shyly took it as a cue for a conversation entry. He began talking, trying to explain his point of view, and perhaps apologize. However, after only a few seconds of listening, her face gained a peculiar look. The way you may look at your domesticated feline who just missed his litter box and made mess on the floor: “I know this is what you cats do once in a while, but hey, shouldn’t you know better?” This implicit judgement was subtle enough that she could not be called on it, yet tangible and impossible for him to overlook. The feelings that she silently conveyed were not lost on him: it was contempt infused with condescending love. This toxic mixture stopped him from talking. He began examining the brownish hues of my office carpet with such intensity as if some mystical answer, the cure for all of his marital ambiguities, was laying right there in front of him, in the acrylic threads. It was clear that he was done apologizing and explaining. He no longer felt safe.

More accusations and self serving claims were delivered in the remaining hour by both partners. There were also threats to leave the room, exit the relationship, as well as fire the counselor for the lack of effective interventions. If I did not know any better, I would think that I was visited by Shrek and the Wicked Witch of the West. That their problem is they belong to different tales, and the only solution is to release them to their separate kingdoms in search of a better match. But they were not mystical creatures. They were honest, caring people who occasionally shouted loudly and forgot to listen. People who loved each other but felt hurt and stuck.

Many lines were crossed in that single hour so it felt it could not get any worse. It was good in some way: having reached the threshold of interactional nastiness, yet desiring to stay together, left these two with no other choice but to figure out how to improve. Being in a dire need of mediation, therapy was a timely intervention for them. Some people think that therapists are for those who don’t know what to do. On the contrary, therapy can be very helpful to those who are quite knowledgeable and intelligent, but feeling overwhelmed and frustrated makes them overly focus on own violated needs and sense of hurt and ignore the ones of their partners. As a result, many couples struggle with stating problems clearly, putting blame and emotions aside, and begin to dialogue constructively and create solutions.

The couple scenario was an example of a simple but commonly forgotten thing: in conversation, the main goal is to repair and connect, not to accuse and blame. Verbal expression is good for healing, but can be a means of diversion. Words can be carrots, as well as sticks: they can connect or break relationships. The same goes for your body language: we can communicate things to others without words. The way you position body toward or away from partner, facial expressions, movement of your hands can all be silent yet powerful communication tools.

There was no resolution for this couple at war during their first few visits. But there was increased exhaustion, multiplied regrets, and a growing desire to stop hurting and make things better. These items did not complete the needed relationship repair toolkit, but they were good enough to start. Too tired to fight and play against each other, I hope their questions will increasingly include more of “we” and “us” reflections: What makes us suffer? What makes us better? How do we change? When it comes to “I” and “me” statements, I hope the search for self justice will include more of: What is it that I wish my partner understood about me and my needs, and how can I communicate this better?

Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD

Your marriage is far from perfect. It’s a work in progress, a path seeded with joy and mistakes. But it’s the only chance to try to create more good memories than bad, more joy than grief, and to preserve some enduring sense of happiness along the way. It is a process with no final destination but small victories and moments of closure. You try hard, you take it seriously, but often fail.

You are not expressing things right to your spouse, mostly because you barely understand them yourself. Other times you are talking out of stress and fear. Your spouse does the same and for the same reasons. Trying to talk it out, you both say too much, too loud. Then you can’t hear each other, talking over each other, busy arguing about who is right. You fight about respect, fairness and appreciation, shouting so loudly that it hurts your eardrums, often using one sided and self serving arguments. Answers and solutions drown in the excess of words and volume. Common sense leaves the room, as emotions spill over the space in vanity.

There will be more arguments and painful conversations that go past midnight. But there will also be love confessions where you say or hear something important and defining that gives hope and helps sort it all out. There will also be kisses and embraces that make your heart race and speechless moments of genuine connection that bring tears to your eyes. That wicked cycle of raw constructive and destructive emotions, the mix of passion of a bipolar nature, keeps it all going, helps put things in perspective and reject a possibility of separation even at the hardest times. Exhausted, you may even question if it’s worth it. But then you sleep on it, and wake up in the morning with a new hope and a feeling in your heart: there is still work to be done, happiness to be had, arguments to be created and resolved, for better or worse, together.

Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD

Remember the movie “The Mexican”, where the character played by James Gandolfini asked the character played by Julia Roberts how hard one should work at rescuing a troubled relationship: “If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?” For a moment, Julia is rambling, listing all of the exceptions that warrant such a decision, just to be told that the answer is “never.” You don’t give up, you work it out with the person you genuinely love.

I don’t know if I agree with any definition involving the absolutes “always” or “never.”  There are exceptions in life. I agree, however, that one shall give a fair try to work things out before giving up on an ultimate commitment such as a marriage. Sadly, as a counselor, I’ve noticed that many couples are ready to put an expiration date on their relationship when things are overwhelming, confusing, or just plain boring. One or both partners face some life impasse and begin looking for answers outside of their relationship. At home, they have a partner who is boringly familiar. The daily routine is often not even that bad, their “cup” of life fulfillment is almost full: comfortable home, loved kids, good job. Just a bit of something is missing, somewhere by the rim. What is this “something” and how much it matters is unclear, but it becomes an obsessive question. Overtaken by frustration, anguish, boredom or some other unpleasant emotion, one is willing to tip over the whole cup to find out the answer. That tiny missing part suddenly represents a magic potion, worth gambling the relationship for. A spouse infected by restless heart syndrome often begins thinking about other relationships, sometimes just exercising imagination but sometimes finding real encounters outside of the relationship.

The mirage of newly found happiness can be quite haunting. Since our minds are wired to obsess about a taboo, looking for happiness outside of one’s relationship becomes a pervasive idea. As people become preoccupied by their dreams of a new (and certainly better!) relationship, their real relationships certainly fade in comparison. People begin looking for flaws in their spouses and search for problems in their relationships, and as a result, they begin to readily notice them. Hyper intention results in hyper-attention: we see what we want to see. Every day of a restless heart, spent wondering and searching, turns current partners increasingly dull, rude, and dismissive and our mirage partners more vibrant, charismatic, and appealing.

Dear lost Mary, confused James, frustrated Peter, and hopeful Susan, the captains having launched on a journey to find out whether what you have now is good enough and if there is something better out there. I hope you complete your journey soon by deciding to find peace and happiness in something near and familiar. I wish you find new questions and that your spouse will be your answer. And when it seems to you at times that the grass is greener on the other side, consider watering your own grass first.

Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD

Imagine a heavy duty truck riding off the road, slipping down a hill and getting stuck in  thick sticky mud. Trying to get out, it desperately spins its wheels, mud flying everywhere with no resolve. After a long time, there is finally a hopeful sight of another car. The truck begins honking like mad, desperately wanting a much needed pull.

This is an allegory for many couples seeking therapy. They typically come at a high point of marital distress. The war has reached its peak, the partners are tired of fighting but unable to end it. Attempts to fix things only led to getting trapped deeper in a cycle of confrontation, standoff and increased feelings of hopelesness. They look at the therapist with a mix of hope and despair, ready to bargain for any quick solution. Deep inside, they sense a need for a major and complicated repair, but their pain is so intense that they want anything, to feel at least a bit better now.

The therapist, being that little car faced with the grave demand for a major lift, may simultaneously feel empathetic and overwhelmed. Even though it is true that there are no quick fixes, it is fair to expect that couples want some relief. What quick strategies can distressed couples use?

One recommendation is to slow down, back off, and give yourself a major time out. It may be contrary to what many couples tend to do in conflict. Feeling rejected and misunderstood, a partner typically increases the intensity of the pursuit to keep the marriage together, while also trying to apply some new solutions obtained from self help books, magazines, and helpful friends. The spouse is only becoming increasingly overwhelmed, while disagreements intensify.

Think of driving on a highway and getting lost. What do you do? You probably do not push the gas pedal to its limit, hoping that divine intervention delivers you to your destination. You slow down and may even stop to read the map, to get your bearings, and then proceed with caution. The same advice applies to a marriage in crisis: when you don’t know what to do and are feeling lost, slow down and do nothing for a while. It is not a good long-term strategy, but is certainly more preferable in times of marital crisis. Take time to calm down, regroup, and think of reasonable solutions.

Second, avoid getting stuck in a crossfire of disagreements. Concentrate on one issue at a time and evaluate the pros or cons of your spouse’s preference calmly and fairly. Identify one issue that you disagree about, a point of tension that commonly leads to fights. Be specific and avoid being vague and generalizing, as “We can never agree on anything!”  For instance, a wife who was a stay-at-home mom for years desires to go back to work, while her husband disagrees with this decision. They have opposite, mutually exclusive goals about handling this situation. They are convinced of their own point of view and prepared to give multiple arguments to justify their preference and dismiss the ones of their mate. What is likely to happen if they begin talking about the issue with no restrain or agreed upon rules? A crossfire of arguments and an increase in anger will likely result.

Instead, they may agree to discuss this issue on two separate occasions, taking place on different days, picking a time when both are feeling relaxed. They agree to follow the rules: on a first meeting, they only give and discuss the reasons why going to work is a good decision, while on the second meeting, they only express and review the reasons against it. Both times, the spouses record their opinions to create “pro” and “cons” lists. Each discussion ends in thirty minutes, after both partners have expressed themselves, by thanking each other, then moving on to doing other things. These two talks take place one or two days apart from each other and spouses restrain from continuing to talk further about the issue. Next time, this topic is discussed with the counselor. Even though the issue may not be resolved, spouses may be comforted to have partner on their side, supportive and willing to listen.

Many disagreements stem from our frustrated need for respect and appreciation. Just listening without interrupting, restraining from being contradictory and judgmental, while staying calm and patient are very important steps for partners in learning to get along better. Even though there is no quick way to solve marital issues, these steps can be implemented quickly to soothe the tension and begin healing.