Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: August 3, 2010
Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD
“I love you,” I told him in a soft whisper, as he was closing his big blue eyes, ready to immerse in his night slumber. “Of course you do!” he responded, sparing the words, but giving a confident glance that was followed by a release of a hearty yawn. With no further ado, he was asleep.
So many times that year I’d tell him over and over how much in love with him I was, with a desperate hope for a reciprocated gesture. At best, he’d acknowledge my exasperated feelings by a glance, squint, or a quick smile. Meanwhile, I was finding myself falling deeper for him. I’d stare at his face as he was asleep, caress his hair, and hold his hand.
Trapped for months in the bittersweet feeling of unrequited love, I was getting desperate and began succumbing into bribery. I’d buy him gifts. Many, anything he’d want, or I’d think he’d like. Like a sugar rush, getting gifts gave him quick joy and satisfaction. He’d show his appreciation for the object, grab it, and scurry away. Sometimes he’d mutter something resembling “I like it.” Not quite the confession I was shooting for. I’d try to smuggle a quick hug, but he’d feel smothered and bored in an instance. He was squirmy, busy, and not a master of words. He’d rush away to avoid further confessions and tenderness demands. I was learning simple lessons: bribery does not work for getting more liked and loved.
I did not know he was so dangerously addictive when we met. He was not even my type: short and bold, with strong dependency needs, and frequent nasty tempter outbursts. He came with no instruction manual. I could never figure out the location of the buttons that turn off foul moods and switch on sunny disposition. It was random and exasperating.
At first I loved him in some worrisome way. I wanted to make sure he was safe and protected. He needed me like a flower needs soil and water. Later that worrisome feeling only had grown into something stronger and ever present. I was dreaming about seeing his face again when apart for even the shortest time and wanting to do anything to make him smile.
Somebody should have warned me that once I held him, I’d get attached forever. There will be no way to let go ever, in space or time. Creatures of his kind are both dangerous and irresistible. They storm into your life with short warning, marking their arrival with a loud scream. They take all of your time, space, and energy with a never ending trail of needs. They want, take, and request some more. The power of their dependency on you is addictive. You can’t help but stare at and admire breathless their bold headed, toothless, pudgy beauty. They conquer you by nothing but their sheer cuteness and raw emotion. By some strange rule of reverse psychology, instead of running away in self preservation, you just fall deeper for their crude charm.
One sunny summer day, I took him for a walk. I stumbled upon a boulder and released a loud “ouch” scream. He got scared, ran to me, bending over and kissing the tip of my dusty shoe, trying to make my “boo-boo” go away. He held me and told me that he loves me. First time of many times. He was about to turn two, starting to speak sentences.
It was heartwarming and felt even better than I’ve imagined. At the same time, after the long months of exasperating and anxious waiting to be told, I was less desperate to make anything related to him about me. The egocentric need for praise and acknowledgement of my prior childless self had evolved and blossomed into something that perhaps defines parental love: desiring to give more of and better parts of myself, wanting nothing in return. I just wanted to hold his hand, finding solace looking into his wide, open eyes that immerse my whole world.
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: June 22, 2010
By Nadia Persun, Ph.D. and Alicia La Hoz, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologists and Managing Partners of Family Bridges
Newsweek recently posted an article online entitled “The Case Against Marriage” – here’s our response to the article. (You can view the original Newsweek article at: http://www.newsweek.com/2010/06/11/i-don-t.html)
I guess I could have been just sitting on the couch with him one way ten years ago, watching a sitcom and sipping nice chilled Chardonnay. Feeling loving and sentimental, I’d just tell him in the spur of the moment: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about us. I love you and want to stay with you, hopefully for good.” He’d agree to my casual proposition: we wanted to be together. Wearing jeans, we’d exchange our informal vows and skip dealing with legalities, costs, and ado of a gown and a tuxedo party. However, we’ve opted out of the “promise of the couch” option and had a small wedding ceremony with friends and family supporting and celebrating our decision, thus creating memories and traditions that we now cherish and share with our children. Many things were to follow: becoming better friends, learning to share, compromise, and forgive, and figuring out that marriage is not easy but worth of effort.
Yes, I could support myself financially. After graduate school, I’ve landed a job that is both, fun and well-paying. However, I needed him to cheer me up through the hurdles of being a student and share both, delights and problems, of launching and building my career. He is my family, supporting and cheerleading, in thick and thin. Yes, I could probably get away without some of his help in the house. I do have expensive appliances in the house that make chores easier. However, my top of the line washer and dryer don’t give me a back rub when my muscles are sore, and my high end French door fridge does not listen and cheer me up when I feel sad. I don’t believe that modernization and affluence can replace deep human need for a life time partnership with commitment and stability coming with marriage.
No, I did not have guarantees when marrying him that later I am not going to meet another “better suited” partner. I just genuinely liked him and desired to be together. So much that I vowed to make him a member of my family. Just like I’ve never attempted to exchange my sister during our disagreements for another, easier to get along-with human, I’ve extended the same no-expiration and no- exchange policy to him. No, I have never considered formal celebrations and tangible tokens of connection, such as rings, a wedding, and a marriage license, as redundant. I’ve heard cynical comments about marriage being just a piece of paper. However, history and experience show that some papers (think of the Constitution) are timeless, priceless, and capable of providing an irreplaceable foundation for creation of stability, deep meaning, and greatness.
Yes, there any many choices these days. It’s easy to get cynical and overwhelmed by variety, struggling with finding patience and ability to manage stress of life-long decisions. Just like many become shopping bulimics, buying, returning, exchanging, and upgrading goods in the land of material abundance, some try to apply same principles to intangible commodities, such as love and commitment, only getting increasingly overwhelmed, confused, and discouraged. Genuine love is not about staying together during a transient period of coincidental convergence of interests, ending upon expiration of passion and patience. Untainted definition of marriage includes life time commitment and loyalty, along with creation and preservation of a family tradition. It’s hard, and sometimes it does not work out. But you are darn lucky if it does. Why promote and foster marriage resentment? How about getting better at relational skills, overcoming marriage phobia, and learning to contend with and appreciate both, labor and fruits of grand yet great life decisions?
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: June 9, 2010
Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD
I was so angry at him this morning, after our senseless spurt of fighting at 8 am. We both leave for work stewing over our prideful sense of self righteousness, without releasing any words of apology. I, being right of course, solemnly promise myself to carry my bellyache forever, if needed, but not apologize first. During my drive to work, I can’t help but conduct in my head an amateur ping pong match of the two opposing teams: his good versus bad points.
Wham! His good quality number one: very funny. He makes me laugh at things, at myself, and at him. He has that amazing ability to take himself seriously but does not impose this attitude on others.
Boom! His bad quality number one: super laid back. He can switch off his brain and tune out all of the short and long term worries that permanently reside in my mind. He can just lose himself in the cushiony softness of his favorite chair, stretch out his long legs, and listen to music or watch sports. Meanwhile, droppings of the recently removed clothing articles are collapsed on the floor, shaped like little ready to erupt volcanoes. I usually pick them up, preventing spilling of lava, which of course would stem from my fury, not from a wrinkled pair of jeans on the floor. Parents of young children, we live in a permanent state of clutter. It triumphantly stares at us from all of the corners of our house. Actually, it mainly stares and winks at me, since I am the most likely person in the house to make eye contact with it. How can he just be sitting there like a Zen Buddhist? Maybe I am just jealous.
Racket swings back. His good quality number two: loves me and thinks I am cute and smart. He picks the oddest times to tell me these nice things. He’d comment on my looks when I am still wearing my pajamas in the morning and have pillow traces on my face. Or he tells me that I am smart, knowing darn well my deadly flaw of often missing out on the crucial plot parts in a movie, so that he has to re-explain the whole story. Or he forgives the fact that I am directionally challenged. In the 10 years of our marriage, he is the one to sort out maps, deal with furniture or toy assembly instructions, and handle numbers and other nasty perks of “adult paperwork.” Personally, I find these traits of mine annoying, not charming. But he does not. Clearly, a major swing in his favor.
Bang! His bad quality number two: postpones dealing with problems until they glare right at him. Or until I glare right in his eyes, stating the problems, raising the questions, and facilitating some crisis resolution plan. I guess it’s related to him being laid back. So, I don’t know if it counts as a separate point. Maybe I have to come up with something else, quickly, or the match swings in his favor, and I have to concede and apologize first.
However, instead of a quick comeback, another major observation streams into my consciousness, and ultimately makes me lose the match: he is a great dad. My kids follow him like little ducklings. Together, they make up their own “knock knock” and other silly jokes and laugh hysterically at their dumb inventions. They also have their informal “members only” Peanut Butter/Jelly and Grilled Cheese sandwich club. Their sandwiches are made according to some specific “patented” method that makes it taste just right. I don’t know the method and could never nail the science of PBJ or grilled sandwich making. Consequently, I am mostly allowed to observe and have a bite. Many little, simple, and silly daily things. They make each other happy. In return, it makes me happy too: eavesdropping on their jokes, watching them play games, the rules of which I don’t understand, and getting over the existence of some “manly” secrets in my household, to which I am not privy. Great dad: a major point in his favor.
My ride is over. I almost miss my turn, busily summarizing the match final count and getting over being a loser. At the same time, I am drained of my fury. I no longer care to be a winner. Deep in my heart, I know that even if he were to lose at my ping pong battle, I would still keep him, and pick him all over again, despite his bad points and because of his bad points. Happy Father’s Day to him, and to all other imperfect guys out there, loving and loved.
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: May 11, 2010
Contributed by Nadia Persun, PhD
Two weeks ago I received a call from a local newspaper. After a brief introduction, the reporter named Jane said, “I am thinking about writing a story about professional working women who are good at multi-tasking their family and work lives.” Cheerful and enthusiastic, perhaps in her twenties, Jane added, “You see, I want to talk to someone who has it all: family and career, and write something motivational for young women desiring both of these things. Are you willing to share your secret with other women?” Jane explained that she has heard me presenting at a local speaking engagement on issues of marriage and parenting, while also learning that I am a psychologist working full time and raising two preschoolers.
As I was listening to her enthusiastic introduction sprinkled with compliments of my ability to multitask, I was looking out of my office window through the fuzzy fog of my outgrown bangs that began covering my eyes and looked more unkempt than casual trendy. “Gee, I must get a haircut,” the thought ran through my mind. I began thinking that it will take a few days to make the appointment and another two to three weeks to get there. My distraction was ended abruptly by hearing Jane ask to meet for an interview to get my “expert” opinion on how women “can have it all.” I promised to call her back next day to give an answer.
I’ve noticed that while I was talking, I’ve received several new voicemails and emails. I began sorting out these new “arrivals” immediately, because in ten minutes I had to see a patient. Then, I have to immediately leave the office to make it on time to pick up my children from childcare. No matter how hard I try to be there early, they seem to be always the last ones to get picked up.
I’ve decided to think about the interview later. First, I finish my work day, pick up my kids, and drive back home in a rush hour, persevering my hour commute on an always congested road animated by a never ending fight between two toddlers who refuse to get along and express their frustration by screaming and banging their little feet against my driver seat. I come home, change their clothes and wash their busy little hands, cook and serve them food, and mediate a couple of loud disagreements before they refuge to bed for the night. This typical evening routine of mine occasionally gets diversified by such additions, as stopping for groceries, home supplies, or diapers. Or cooking an “adult” meal when my husband and I are sick of eating frozen food and children’s leftovers. Or doing a few loads of laundry and other things of this nature.
So, I will think about my secret of “having and managing it all” at about 10 p.m., when it’s finally “my time”: read other than kids’ books, watch other than children’s TV programming, and talk to my husband uninterrupted. When in bed that evening, my thoughts returned to meeting with Jane and answering her questions. What would I say about being a full time working mom? I could give some “smart” answers or I could simply admit that it is far from perfect. Being a mom is much harder than I could ever imagine. It is a lot about living in a survival mode, working hard, trying your best and making lots of mistakes along the way.
“Wow,” I thought to myself, “It is not a very inspirational beginning of a motivational story for other women about “having it all.” Jane, my imagined girl in her early twenties with neatly manicured bright pink nails, well styled hair, wearing a tasteful “Banana Republic” outfit, might get scared by my narrative. She might decide not to breed at all and advice others against it. I imagined Jane’s face expression change from the curiosity and anticipation of an exciting story with good advice into expression of pity. My story, saturated with sense of stress and chronic fatigue, is far from inspirational. I don’t know much about “having it all” but have learned some basics of coping with many demands and stressors of a very busy and never ending day of a working mom. A job that is very demanding, far from glamorous, and the one in which, I believe, no one gets qualified as an expert.
I called Jane next morning declining the interview. “Due to my busy schedule,” I tell her. “Due to my relative ignorance in the subject matter,” I say to myself. I know now that I certainly don’t know much about “having it all.” I feel a sense of achievement and pride building a carrier that I truly enjoy and having a family that I love. It gives me countless emotional rewards. But synchronizing these things is hard. Most of my exercise these days comes from biting my nails and distressing strategy from biting on a bar of chocolate. I have attained many things and circumstances that I’ve dreamed about in my teen and early twenties but they did not come with a dreamlike feeling I had once.
I am familiar, however, with moments when I feel like I “have it all.” These are spontaneous, transient times filled with sense of joy, happiness, pride, or just with some calm and peace. It’s when I am watching my boys give each other hugs or laugh uncontrollably. When I am surprised by new things that they’ve learned. Or when I stop for a moment to admire my husband’s ability to apply a firm yet gentle touch of discipline to help when I lose my cool. I get stunned every time when I notice a new growth spurt: my little boys getting taller, leaner, losing their baby features, and turning into little men. I like also watching their little heads from the back, as they walk in front of me when we are out for a walk, with a little clouds of golden spiky hair and walk together holding hands. These are the moments when I feel like have it all, no quotation marks.
Being a mom is experience that can only be felt and lived, not described or imagined. My admiration and prayers go this mother’s day to all moms out there, who perhaps like me, not the experts, but are good enough handling their busy and imperfect lives. They get up every day like brave soldiers to face and handle never ending business of their days, aimed to give their best to their families. The wonderful, brave, busy women who desperately try to “have it all,” and fail sometimes, and try again. I wish them to better learn to accept “good enough” and be kind to themselves. Happy Mother’s Day and bless the path of all moms continuing to persevere in figuring out how “to balance it all” and give their best to the people they love most.
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: April 14, 2010
Children and adolescents are the ones who bare the brunt of unhealthy marital relationships. Fathers, in particular, who are in supportive relationships tend to be more sensitive and attentive and less hostile and negative with their children. (Click here to see Responsible Father Spotlike Facts).
While at one time or another you may parent an adolescent who slams the door at you and screams with passion “I hate you” when you enforce a rule or deny them a privilige, if this is not a one-time occurrance but a sentiment that is felt on a continual basis, it may be worthwhile to explore how the father-mother relationship is faring. If you feel isolated from your children and can’t seem to connect with them, don’t just assume that it’s an adolescent hormonal stage, evaluate your marital relationship. Children and adolescents have an uncanny ability to pick up on parents’ distress and may resort to assuming passive aggressive attitudes and acting out behaviors that can test your patience and all of your established boundaries. They feel the tension in the home and this spills over to their school work, social relationships and coping skills.
It’s interesting from the statistics noted that it’s not only adolescents and children that may feel like responding in a rebellious way, but fathers as well. When fathers do not feel connected with their partners, the tendency is for them to pull away from their children. So now you have fathers who alienate themselves from their children and children who respond aggressively and in negative ways. Why do you think that fathers do this? That when their marital relationships suffer – commonly they also pull away from their children’s lives? Why is that even though, children are not at fault, they are the ones that pay the penalty for unhealthy marital relationships? Whatever the reasons, what we do know is that fathers who have healthy relationships are more responsive to their children. This is a HUGE reason for why we need to invest in healthy relationships – ultimately we are investing in the lives of our children.
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: March 9, 2010
Contributed by Dr. Alicia La Hoz, Family Bridges’ Program Director
You are upset and bothered. You decide that it’s better to simply ignore your partner and hope he/she gets the point. The silence game is your last resort because you are officially over it and you figure this is the best way to get back at them.
There is no limit to the amount of time that this silent treatment can last – it can be for a day, two days, a week, a month. There are no rules except to ignore the person. That is why it’s so tempting to rely on the silent treatment. And it’s effective…in all the wrong ways. The silent treatment will effectively:
We resort to giving the silent treatment out of pure frustration. While it seems to provide a way out from what seems like and unsolvable problem – it tends to only leave a bitter aftertaste for everyone. Sure it works to keep anger alive and to break down relationships…but, if you are at all interested in actually restoring your relationship, then resorting to a healthier option is a better answer. And yes, a healthier option does exist, it’s called communication. Working on active communication skills help clear frustration and anger and will in turn lead to problem solving. It’s also quite the opposite of giving someone the silent treatment and therefore much more effective.
Because we tend not to listen, because we weren’t all born with the innate ability to communicate clearly and effectively – conflict is bound to occur in relationships. Most of us have to learn and/or need coaching on how to communicate so we don’t resort to known and tried silent treatments or other negative types of communication when we feel frustrated. This is why we really like what the Family Bridges program is about. Helping people break the silence.
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: February 23, 2010
Contributed by: Andrew Lyke, Arusi Network
I’ve been a father for almost 28 years. Entering into fatherhood was perhaps the most stabilizing event in my adulthood. Prior to becoming a father I was married to someone I adored and enjoyed being with. But there remained in me a nagging sense that there is something more out there for me. The prospects for me remaining married were good for the short run. Yet, “forever” seemed too much for me to grasp. I could promise Terri tomorrow, next week and maybe next year. But I really couldn’t promise forever.
After about five years our daughter entered our life and changed just about everything. It’s not an outlandish notion that we raise our children into adulthood. However, the truth is that our children raise us into adulthood. I wasn’t grown – not really – until I became a father. After cutting the umbilical cord I took her in my arms and bathed her. She then opened her eyes for the first time and seemed to look deeply into my soul. And my whole life at that moment became anchored. It was the most stabilizing moment of my life – a moment that resolved in me so much of what I would do and what I would not do in my life. It was in that moment that I became. It was a defining moment that shaped and directed me. From that moment I knew who I wanted to be and with whom I would live my life. All lingering doubts about Terri and me receded, if not vanished. For I knew that the greatest gift I will ever give my daughter is to love her mother and anchor our family with a healthy marriage.
Now in the empty nest stage of family life, we are bracing ourselves for grandparenthood. Our son and his wife will give birth to a baby girl in early March. I marvel at my son’s enthusiasm and revel in his precipitous maturation as a husband and soon-to-be father. Like it did for me, fatherhood is raising him into adulthood. Perhaps the baby girl he will hold in his arms in a few weeks will give him the anchoring that fatherhood gave me. And the beat goes on.
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: February 9, 2010
Remember when you and your spouse started dating? Talking for hours on the telephone? Asking never-ending lists of questions to get to know him better? Going out of your way to make her smile? Spending all of your free time together? These activities most likely helped to strengthen your growing relationship and to build a foundation of friendship for your marriage. Research has shown that happily married couples begin with a strong friendship. Friendships are created and maintained when we go out of our way to nurture our marital relationship. During times of stress, this friendship allows positive feelings about our spouse to take priority over more negative feelings. What can you do to nurture a marital friendship? It’s not complicated.
Most of all, remember what made you fall in love with each other – and remind yourself of these positive qualities when the negatives feel overwhelming. Couples who spend time together, communicate intentionally, and work together are investing in their marital friendship.
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: January 27, 2010
Posted by: familybridgeschicago on: January 22, 2010
Contributed by Dr. Alicia La Hoz, FB Program Director & Clinical Psychologist
I wasn’t at all surprised upon reading the new study released by the Pew Research Center on the new economics of marriage, http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1466/economics-marriage-rise-of-wives, declaring that women now outpace man both in income and education. For a while now, we have known that at least in practice more equalitarian gender roles have been endorsed by married couples – basically men have been pulling their own weight by doing their fare share of household chores. I wonder if this trend is at all tied to the economic and educational shift reported in the Pew Research. Other studies seem to tie gender role reversals to these factors. What I am especially curious to see is how these role reversals will impact not only our marriages but how it will define roles in future generations.
Social scientists are willing to only accept gender differences when understood as socially learned phenomena – as a learned trait. For example, men learn not to be too emotional when they are told not to cry as children and women are encouraged as children to speak freely about emotions. Following this reasoning, traditional men gender roles are perceived as logical, analytical, providers, competitive and women as nurturing, relational, multi-taskers, emotional. If these gender traits - which were needed in order to function in a society that demanded them according to gender expectation - have been passed on for generations and learned as a survival tactic, then will these familiar gender traits change for our children who are being raised in homes that are significantly different than decades ago? Will these gender traits be more fluid since the business women will now have evolved into being more analytical, logical, and competitive and stay at home dads as more nurturing?
Whatever the outcome, for now what I take away from this is that in order to avoid having World War III erupt over who’s going to the laundry in your home, gender expectations need to be openly discussed. In my own marriage which is experimenting with these role reversals, I can attest that having ongoing discussions about household responsibilities with an eye on gender expectations has been immensely helpful.
Before you begin having these dicussions, check out this entertaining and light-hearted presentation by Mark Gungor (who coincidently will be at our Chicago Theatre event in July) highlighting the differences between men and women.
